I am caught between a rock and a hard place: the calling to ministry? Or a calling to therapy? Some would say that both can exist at once, but in this case, I am not so sure.
I am currently in my final year of a Bachelor of Arts in Music Ministry at Moody Bible Institute, Music Ministry mainly being church music/worship music leading or directing, although many people who have studied this don’t always stay on this path. My plan, from the beginning, was to study to become a Music Therapist in some way or another and turn that into a kind of ministry. It has been great so far, I have learned much about the church and music philosophy, the power and importance of music, and music from a perspective grounded in truth and selflessness rather than self-centeredness and vanity.
However, I am now required to do an internship, and this is where my ambitions have left me stuck. Like this website I have created, I seem to want to mix the best of everything into one place, Music Ministry and Music Therapy, and make it work! I think I will make it work somehow, but this matter of internship is making it, somehow, not work.
I am fortunately allowed to do my Fall internship at a Creative Arts Therapy Clinic in Evanston called Institute for the Therapy of the Arts (ITA), where I am currently volunteering and doing odd jobs for the sake of internship credit (unfortunately a legitimate internship program at ITA requires 20+ hours a week and this is not possible for me during a school semester.) Sometimes I feel like I am missing some good lessons in not doing a real internship, other days I love experiencing that environment, learning how these clinics work (music, art, dance, drama therapy all in one place!). I am also slow to adapt to my environment, so this suits me well and there was a small possibility that I could still do my internship here in the Spring.
Unfortunately, something strangely fortunate happened: Two weeks ago I was offered a paid internship for the Spring in a church music leadership position. It is far away, but they would pay my Uber expenses to be there. I would have to leave the church I am currently attending, which would affect my husband negatively, but I have been feeling increasingly disillusioned with my home church as of late for reasons I can’t get into now.
So now, what do I do? Of course, you say, take the legitimate internship! You will be paid, and it will be a great capstone experience for your time at Moody. It is easy enough, you just have to be organized, lead a team, and sing once a week and you will be away with internship credit and some cash on the side! It sounds so perfect, but I am afraid. I am not adequate to lead a team, I have never done so before, and any attempts to adjust or converse with worship leaders about music in the past has left me feeling small and insignificant (even though I am earning a degree in this?) I also wish to learn more about Music Therapy, to be practically involved in a field I want to be in, to be exposed and know for certain whether this is what I want to be vocationally?
It doesn’t make sense to say no, and yet, it also doesn’t make sense to say yes! Why should I leave my semi-Charismatic South African contemporary church for a Presbyterian cessationist traditional church that I have never been to, that is very far away, and whom I have no connections? It would break my heart to make the wrong decision, either way, and lose opportunities in Ministry or Music Therapy.
I am torn, and I believe it’s because I am afraid. I am afraid of the unknown, of conflict, of hurting others, of starting anew, breaking bonds and buildings foreign ones, of distance and unfamiliarity, of insecurity and a lack of confidence in whatever I do. I am afraid of making the wrong decision, and although many theologians would argue against this, it is because I am damned if I do, and damned if I don’t. I either lose my current church community, upset my husband’s routine, put myself in a position of vulnerability and failure, OR I lose an opportunity that seems perfect to outside minds to my situation, sit pretty at home and lose experience that I would’ve gained otherwise, and struggle to find a suitable internship for the culmination of my degree.
After all this, I am a little sad, stressed, but considerate of how God puts opportunities into one’s life and what one is to make of them. Is every open door a perfect one? No. Does that mean we should avoid the imperfect open doors? When do we know when to? And when not to?
If you read this, please pray for me. I have an interview tomorrow with the person who wants to hire me for the paid internship position, and I am not sure what to expect.
I will write another post when I have made my final decision.
Until then.
The Ministry of Music 